Thursday, 30 October 2014

When The News Triggers PTSD You Didn't Know You Had

So ... I'm officially grossed out with myself.  I grossed myself out.  Recently, news broke about a popular Canadian radio host with a velvety smooth voice and Bambi eyes.  I wasn't really a fan, but I knew who he was.  Jian Ghomeshi hosted a popular show called "Q".

Photo ops and marketing pics are so good at showing the sweet side of us aren't they?  I mean, Ghomeshi looks kissable, huggable even ... like someone you could really talk to.  So when Ghomeshi got fired last week because of two anonymous accusations of non-consensual rough sex, I cried foul. It bothered me that anonymous accusations like that could be so effective.  Didn't defamation require proof?

So there you have it.  Even a feminist like myself can at times jump to stinky conclusions that drip of double standard.

I've mentioned my own personal memory in recent blog posts.  My short term memory is sketchy, as I often walk into a room forgetting why.  But over the past year or so, I have found myself remembering situations that were long hidden in the folds of grey matter.  The past two days have seen me remembering situations unkind.  Hearing and reading the words of Ghomeshi's accusers have made me remember times where I too experienced unwelcome dominance from more than one man.

The worst experience, happened to be with an older co-worker who wasn't reading my body language or hearing my words.  In fact, if I hadn't had a very co-dependent Rottweiller at the time, this story would have turned out much worse. Sasha my beloved furry sister who looks down on me from above, was protecting me that day.  As this hormone-drunk middle-aged man tried to push me into my bedroom and shut the door, Sasha was having none of it.  I remember her panting and jumping around never taking her eyes off of mine.  One minute she was at my side, the next she was on the bed, reading me like a book.  Finally, he realized that I wasn't game for the game, so he left.  But I had totally blocked that out of my memory until now.

I'll also point out that I didn't shout no.  I didn't really say anything but push him away over and over. He was an authority figure where I worked, and one that many of us saw as a father-figure.  Each time the words came to my tongue, I remember thinking about how uncomfortable work would be. I didn't have a plan of escape, I could only kick myself for ever allowing him in my apartment.  Sometimes these situations and every poor decision is like a game of dominoes.  Why oh why did I ever say yes when he asked to come over?  Why oh why didn't I punch him or yell at him?

Do you see what I'm doing there?  I'm removing all blame from him ... and I'm placing it on me.  So wrong.  Societal influence can be in the deepest cracks.

The words and verbal re-enactment of another woman in regards to Ghomeshi reminded me of something I was told by a guy I grew up with.  This guy liked to also lure certain women away from the bar for quick romps that quickly turned into what he called a "grunch-fuck" ... similar to Ghomeshi's "hate-fuck".  Do we have a rape culture?  Do we have some men who use sex as a weapon?

I feel crappy today.  Is this what mild PTSD feels like?

I'm choked by the number of people who believe eight women would gather with the demise of an innocent man in mind.  I'm choked by the veiled misogyny I read in comments like one by a now blocked fb friend who said that:

"Jian seems to have a repressed rage which I guess is due to his generation having to "eat it" and act nice when it comes to women."

So in one sentence this guy effectively removes all responsibility and guilt away from Ghomeshi and places it squarely onto the women he knew growing up.  Right.

The whole thing blows me away.  I just have a lotta lotta Q's!

I gotta know, what happened to you Jian when you were little?  Is sadism a developmental thing?   Were you sexually turned on once when you got spanked?  I dunno.  Were you beat as a child? Did you like it?  Oh sorry ... that's usually your line isn't it?  Do you like that?  Do concussions happen from consecutive closed fist punches?  Can you get a boner from amicable love-making?  Is angry sex the only thing on the Ghomeshi menu?  Borrrring!

Furthermore, your success rate must be fairly low as I can't imagine many women are really up for the head-punching as an aphrodisiac.  But there must be a few?!  Tell us Jian, are there any women out there who liked your modus operandus?


Aw how I love knowing Karma is always there.  Ghomeshi may not get charged criminally for his severe style of BDSM.  But he's out of the CBC so that's a start.  One thing is for sure .... with this widespread media coverage, Ghomeshi shouldn't have any trouble finding women willing to experiment with him.  Karma promises me that one of them will give Jian a taste of his own misogyny.