Tuesday, 2 June 2015

Sustainable Sex

A new friend of mine puts the capital T in TMI.  She'll tell you how it is in a heartbeat with a few f-bombs for colour and poignancy and not bat an eyelash.  I'm old enough to be her mother yet at times I wish I had been more like her at that age.  We got to talking about relationships the other day and that in turn, got us to talking about sex. She tells me,

"Well ... we schedule our sex since I work so much.  But the other night he brought it up right out of the blue at 10:30 at night!  By that time, I'm already wound down.  He gave me no f*kkin indication either.... no kisses ... no snuggling.  I had to say no cuz it would have taken me half an effin hour to get going and then all that work.  I had to get up early!  So we ended up having just-for-him sex."

I smirked and raised my brows.

She explained, "Well you know ... sometimes I just can't do it.  I've got too many gd thoughts in my head, so a few times a week we have sex that's just for him."

If there hadn't been a counter in between us, I would have hugged her and given her the loudest, sharpest, biggest high-five I could muster.  When I was her age, I was still lost in the thought that "I" was the problem in this area.  I was married then and not really happy.  My sex drive was low.  I now realize that that was just the excuse I'd use.  It couldn't have been that I resented the shit out of him and his bajillion bitter moods could it??  That's the thing about sex ... it's not always easy to "just do it".  A couple's sex life is one of the first places that start showing discord in a relationship.

Resentment can block an orgasm better than a chastity belt.

I even went to my Doctor back then with my low sex drive complaint and that was an interesting visit lemme tell ya.  It's really quite lucky for that Doc that my backbone had not yet fused.  I'd surely have a lot more to say to him today, if the same thing occurred.  My (then) Doctor very calmly asked me one question:

"Do you do the laundry?"

He always made me nervous so this just topped it off.  I laughed awkwardly wondering what the hell he was getting at.  He continued ...

"Well, laundry isn't always something you want to do, but you do it ... right?"

He then went on to tell me about all the women he knew who couldn't get enough sex.  I looked at him with some disbelief.  I had by this time read tales of the albino moose.  I was sure this was another example.  He never once mentioned hormones or that maybe I was young and would grow into my sexual prime.  He just looked at me ... in that calm manner ... as if I were the wifey who couldn't get her chores done.

In our relationships, we humans tend to argue about the same two things:  sex and money.  And it just so happens that the whole of society is obsessed with these two things as well.  We women follow trends and fashions to keep up with the sexiness yet are too tired to act on it at night.  Many of us are hormonally challenged or hormonally deficient.

For me, there's a window of opportunity that opens about half an hour at night.  If you miss it, you're taking matters into your own hands … literally.  My hunni is fine with that.  We too practice the just-for-him sex option as there are times when I simply cannot get there.  Oh speaking of not getting there.  Many of us are on antidepressants that hinder the ability to even reach a climax let alone want one in the first place.  I remember it clearly.  I felt like the little red caboose that was sure it could ... but couldn't.  Ever.  Those pills stymied many an orgasm throughout the years.  A person starts to stop trying eventually.  Getting riled isn't any fun if there's no final act.

Like my friend, we too schedule sex.  Not to the same precision as these two young’uns, but in our house, if that requisition isn’t in on time, you’re shit out of luck.  The cut-off time is about nine pm.  The deal is also, that he can cancel but I cannot.  I had a friend whose wife would promise the world, but fall asleep as soon as her bum hit the couch.  Resentment grows.  And I find that resentment is like a virus ... it transmutes and can affect other areas of your relationship without you even knowing it.

So recently, I posted an article on fb from a web site that preaches a man's ownership over his wife.  It's called Biblical Gender Roles and y'know what?  The message is chokingly Shariah-ish.  It just reiterates the fact that extremism is extremism.  On the site there was a blog post about a wife's role in satisfying her husband’s carnal needs when she's not in the mood.  As ever, my friends did not disappoint with their variety of commentary.  Basically, the common conclusion was that free will must be recognized at all times.  No one should do anything they don't want to do.  But ... as both male and female commentators agreed, an understanding must be met in regards to sex in a relationship or peace and harmony will never be found.  Naturally, masturbation entered this convo and we too all agree that it’s just not the same.  And I do get that, but when the alternative is fighting with your partner, I’d think it’s a very viable option. 

I remember very vividly the feeling I had when my ex and I would have this conflict.  He wanted me to have an orgasm every time we had intercourse.  For me, that was like looking up at a steep climb after a long day of work, I’d get discouraged at the first kiss.  He took my lack of orgasm to mean that I didn’t love him, or want him.  If he only knew how little he had to do with my orgasms!! 

But proctologists, urologists, and oncologists all agree … a man should ejaculate at least five times per week for optimal prostate health.  This is a fact.  Another fact is that MOST women don’t have the same sex drive as MOST men.  It’s a hormonal thing.  Blame the endocrine system.  Each couple has to learn this about one another.  There’s an ebb and flow with most of us, so a little help from the peanut gallery is normal in most relationships.  Masturbation is a normal body process and nothing to be ashamed of!

Statistics show that the average couple has sexual intercourse an average of three times per week.  How do they sustain this three times a week habit?  Is there a way to make sex sustainable so no bitterness, resentment, or blue balls occur?  This whole scheduling thing is working for us and others I know, my hunni and I will hit nine years together this November.  Other couples communicate desires by lighting candles or hanging a notice on the door knob.  Hey ... whatever works I guess.   One piece of advice I have for you though  … just don’t confuse or compare it to laundry k?