Monday 2 March 2015

Just Tryin' To Follow My Arrow

I'm in a bit of a work conundrum where I feel unfulfilled at both part time jobs.  Who knew "fulfillment" would be so fleeting?  Or am I an asshole for thinking I deserve it at all?  The only career that is actually feeding me and my passions is this one, the one that hasn't started to pay.  I realize as I sit and think about everything on a daily, hourly, momentary friggin' basis, that there may be some splatter damage from my actions.  Following your arrow is one thing.  Once you've dialed in on that target, it's all but forward momentum and impulsion that is required of you.  But dialing in ... that's where things get tricky.

In focus ... out of focus ... that's what I want ... that's what I'll be ... but what about that ... maybe I should apply there ... no I can't do that ... I'm not good enough to work there.

Is that bipolar?  Is that the box they'd put me in if I let them?  Or is it just plain and simple lack of self-esteem?  Who cares at this point, labeling anything makes it no easier to comprehend if you ask me.

Hi, my name is Dianna and I'm an over-analyzer.

The analyzing function in my brain is, at the moment in overdrive as I've been sick and apartment-bound for almost ten days.  Through fever and chills, in groggy and full-blown REM sleep, one thought has been bouncing around in this stuffy head of mine for too long now:

"What the fuk am I doing with my life?".

This whole working just enough to pay my bills so I can write thing was fine, but now I just want more.  I can only imagine how shitty it must be though to be a boss with an employee who can't make up her mind.  I'm so glad this analyzer is only on the inside!  Oh to explain my thoughts.  Is that even possible all the time?

A good friend just wrote something to me that I have both said and written to others.  It's funny how that goes eh?  Sometimes we can suggest the medicine to others, but forget all about it when it comes to ourselves.  She said:

"It's none of your business what others think of you."

Now that's release.  To put those words in an elixir, a pill, a tincture ... well wouldn't our world be a better place?!  The shift in motivation, intention, and mere life satisfaction would be tangible possibly even audible.

Then I found this 3-minute video from an American Idol contestant named Shi.  This is the first I ever saw her face, but as the video began on my facebook feed, I was powerless to scroll by.  She was speaking to me.  She was clarifying the queries and doubts that have made up my entire mental awareness for too many days.  I question me all the time, and in doing that I stunt myself.

Stop questioning your greatness ... and put it out there.

Watch Shi's video chat and see if she's talking to you too.

Now ... off to enter a writing contest :)

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