Friday 19 April 2019

All Hail the Roacher!!

***this is a satire piece I started months ago & just remembered after a friend posted a pic of their stash of cannabis roaches.  Thanks for the reminder friends!!

Hardy partiers all across Canada know the value of their empties.  Some of us even hoard cases of them in closets like walk-in piggy banks. The way the stock market fluctuates, seems to me like a pretty risk-free way to save money.  There is a certain demographic however, of weekend warriors who toss their empties in their recycling bins.  You find these thriftless drinkers residing in the residential areas around our many colleges and universities.

Luckily for the environment though, there exists another demographic;  the trusty blue-bin pickers.  These industrious humans walk these streets guided keenly by the waste pick-up schedules collecting valuable empties to be returned to the Beer Store for the deposit.  The clink-clink of the bottles banging together inside their wagons can be heard echoing off of the brick houses all across campus and the residential ‘ghetto’.  Because of this, not everyone is a fan of the BBP’s, as you can imagine.  The clink-clink is audible blocks away and gains volume with each step.  Students and seniors alike complain about them and the local College Quik-Stop had completely sold out of earplugs until they increased their supply.

These busy areas of Canadian cities are also supportive of Bill C45, adult-use Cannabis legalization.  This past home-coming I asked some local university students if they thought they would drink less alcohol next year once Cannabis is legal.  All three young students shared a glance and then simply said, “naw, we’ll likely still do both.”

Last week happened to be time to cash out my piggie bank where I had a visit with one of the BBP’s I’ve seen in the area.  He knows I’m a Cannabis user so of course, we discussed legalization.  With excitement in his eyes he explained that all of the BBP’s support and welcome C45.  I looked at him skeptically and he said, “well ya doll, y’know why don’tcha?  The roaches of course!  Now we’ll be able to collect the empties AND the roaches off the front yards after their crazy parties!”  I looked at him with my “seriously?” look and he continued, “Oh ya girl, then we process the roaches, add some tobe, and re-sell roachers back to the students for $20 a pop!  Cannabis appreciates sister and gets better when smoke is pulled through it so the roacher is a super-strong version of the doobie, you outta know that!”.

I just stood staring with a look of sheer admiration and amazement.  If only the Dragon’s Den could find initiative like this!  All I could think was how brilliant it was!

“Oh and the best part is that a few of the younguns have been at us to sort through the bins more quietly.  So I made a deal with a few of them to keep the clinking down in return for their roach collections!  It’s a win-win!”

I literally bowled over laughing, shoulders rising steadily as I enjoyed this well-deserved belly-laugh.  My own alchemist marketing mind was afire with ideas.  All he’d have to do is grow some organic Spearmint and add that to the mix to sweeten the roacher even more.

We high-fived as I just slowly shook my head, still laughing.

“Great seein’ ya doll!  You got my number right?  Let me know if you’re lookin to fall to da couch.  I’ll give ya the roacher friend discount!” and he roared at his own ingenious as he continued to sort bottles.

I waved at him behind me and settled into a thought.  Have you ever seen how our emblem, the Canadian Beaver can take a pile of scrub and make it a home?  We are an industrious crew.

Oh Canada indeed.

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